One box (or binder) at a time...

I'm still here. Still plugging away.

I have lowered my expectations. (slightly).

I've come to accept that my home won't look like a magazine spread by the end of 2011.

But if I could make a dent... even diminish considerably my junk and the exhorbitant amount of STUFF, that would be a GOOD THING.

Today, I am attempting to organize and purge my recipe system. (haha, cough, cough). Not a system, really. It's more of a binder that has become a catch-all for any recipe I spy that leaves me hungry.

My goal is to go from this:





To this:



I'll try to remember to post an update about any success or failure with this plan. (I have my fingers crossed). :)

A Clean Slate

Getting ready for this inspection for my home business pushed me to do a deep thorough clean of my kitchen.

It was hard.

My sister came over the day beforehand and spent time helping me cleanse the space of more clutter. Things I hadn't seen or thought of, she was able to visually address and then out it all went into boxes. Left behind was a minimalist and almost sterile looking kitchen.

She said "When I push myself to clean like this and purge my house of clutter, I can look at the new space it creates and it feels SO GOOD! It is worth the work it takes, because of how it makes me feel."

I thought in my head "I don't feel good".

I know that sounds awful, but I want this blog to be honest.

I looked at the bare walls. (My husband and I had taken down pictures and stuff off the walls to paint the kitchen this past weekend).

I looked at my clutter free hutch. My sis and I had just boxed about a dozen cookbooks and canning jars and even tall plastic jars full of colorful straws that my kids like.

Four perfect mugs sat in a perfect line on the shelf.

The cookbooks that remained were lined up perfectly even strategically placed with the baking manuals and cake books prominent.

It was too perfect.

Too little.

Too boring.

I called another girl friend for advice about what the inspector might ask or look for. She and her husband had owned a restaurant in the past and had been through this before.

She said "Empty your kitchen of any unnecessary items. It should hardly look like anyone lives there, or as if you just moved in."

and that was definitely the case.

Something about the empty counter tops made me want to fill them with vases of flowers, candles or whimsical tea pots.

Something about the naked walls made me want to run for my children's crayons and color all over them. ok, extreme I know.. but you get the point.

I realized through this process how much empty space BOTHERS me. I am NOT someone who likes simple clean lines. I want swirls.

I am NOT someone who likes bare clean surfaces. I want life and passion and warm color.

I am NOT someone who even likes order. Maybe creative order. Maybe order for traditions and order for my children's behaivor and order for programs and events, but for my home and my stuff, I want it to take on a life of it's own and just BE.

That being said, I don't want to be messy or dirty or live my life in a way that shows irresponsibility.

More importantly I want to be a good steward. I have been SO very blessed. God has given me so much. And I want to take care of what He has entrusted me with.
I want my children to learn from my example of how to rebound from failure, how to keep learning even in adulthood and how to manage the things God has provided for us.

He provided me with this business. He blessed me today and I passed my inspection. And He gave me more than that.
He gave me a clean slate.

I might add some lipstick and rouge to it, but I intend to (Lord willing) keep it clean. ;)

Under the microscope

I have an inspection this week for a home baking business.

I was excited at first to get to this point.
After months of waiting and paper work, after many closed doors and many, many prayers, it is here.

But, for someone who is already so raw and vulnerable about her home, this is completely uncomfortable and almost painful as I think about a total stranger entering my kitchen with the sole purpose of inspecting it.

I squirm anyway at the thought of people I don't know well in my home... but imagine how I will be under the microscope!

What have I gotten myself into?

For now, I'm moving forward.
Four days and counting...

I'm in Love...

First, with my husband.

This amazing man saw how overwhelmed I was with the upstairs and without saying a word last weekend, he just grabbed garbage bags and called the kids. I followed him up the stairs, curious. Then in two days, he did what I haven't been able to do in two years. Their rooms are CLEAN and ORGANIZED and FREE of junk! He threw things out without a second thought. He worked WITH the kids to come up with ways to organize the things they have and even changed some furniture around in A's room. Now her room makes more SENSE.

I had mixed feelings about all this. I was involved all day Saturday and Sunday with him and the kids worked hard too. This was a family project, but my dear husband was definitely the one in charge of this endeavor. We hauled out SEVEN bags of garbage and I put away many more bags of clothes that they had grown out of. (my son actually had some clothing items in his dresser that were two sizes too small!) Two more bags made it to the garage for a future yard sale. In the end, everyone was happy and the kids had a clean slate to work with for the weeks and months ahead. There is hope!

But... I had mixed feelings about all this. I feel inept. I feel like I'm lacking something basic, something elementary as a Mom because why couldn't I do this? Why did it take years of chaos and overwhelming ridiculousness for me every time I tried to clean their rooms? The last time I attempted a grand clean up, I ended up sobbing when just 24 hours later, they had trashed the upstairs again. It took me a week to get back some kind of order to it all. Then, in two days, my husband flies in (yes, he is a super hero) and makes progress that I didn't think was possible. He did it so effortlessly. He was whistling at one point. The kids actually got into it and everyone seemed to work together.

What is wrong with me that I couldn't accomplish this? Shouldn't I be the one who knows how to clean? Isn't it my job as a MOM to be able to teach my kids how to sort, store, and say goodbye to junk?

I am choosing today, to put those feelings aside for now. I need to focus on how THANKFUL I am for the man God gave me. I am completely in love with him and the nice clean rooms my children now have.

I am also in love with something else. My sister shared a blog she found online that she thought I would like. It is called

"A Slob Comes Clean".

I already loved it, just for the name.

Then I began to read.

I am completely in awe that someone else thinks like me and struggles with ordinary things like I do.

The author, "Nony" is awesome. She is so REAL. She is humorous and also honest. I haven't read all the way to the more current post, but already I am hearing my own struggles echoed in her story. She may think I'm a weird blog stalker type, but I feel like I have found a kindred spirit in this whole hoarding/messy issue I have been struggling with.

Here is a post I just read by her from December 30, 2009. For those of you who know me well, you will see why it hit home to me:

Click here: A Slob Comes Clean

or enter the url below:

http://www.aslobcomesclean.com/2009/12/projects-vs-progress-adjusting-my.html

Now I'm off to do some cleaning.

I feel inspired!

Unintentional Collections

I wonder if some hoarding is simply unintentional collecting.

Here are some of mine:

Picture Frames



And these are the ones NOT currently being used. (I have a ton more on the walls and shelves of my home).

Shoes





And those are just half of the shoes I own. (many more in the closet and a roll away tote under the bed). Yes, I am a self confessed shoe fanatic.

Apparently I also collect unmatched socks?



At last count, there were 72 unmatched socks.
Yeah... don't ask.

I have several very used old candles:



I can't seem to throw away old makeup:



And have an attraction to containers.
I heard once that hoarders like to collect containers to store things in. "I don't believe I do that." I thought to myself. WRONG. As I looked around I found that I do in fact seem to collect containers! Like storage totes, and


Canisters & Jars:



Some might call me a basket case:



And those are just the ones NOT filled with stuff. I have baskets all throughout my home. They hold video's in our entertainment center:



I have baskets in A's room for her pretty little things:



And on the shelves in N's room for his toys:



I have a basket by the door for hats and gloves:



And baskets on the stairs for things that need to be put away:



And it's empty! (so proud) I see that one toy didn't make it to its intended destination though.

I collect journals:

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And I use them all too! I have a gardening journal, a mothering journal for each of the kids, a 'Thankful' journal, a 'lessons learned' journal, a spiritual journal, a poetry journal, a marriage journal, a home decorating and improvement journal... well, you get the idea. :)

I also hold onto all of my old journals:



I have to include stuffed animals in this list of collections. Here is why:




Care to play "I Spy" anyone? I spied at least five Elmo's. And maybe four Cookie Monster's? Several stuffed animals missing limbs or tails and one that was even missing it's head!

Sure, those need to go! But what do I do with the cute novelty ones? How could I get rid of the ones that MEAN something?

I spy a pirate:




I spy a stuffed home made monster (made by my son and I when he was 3):



I spy a pound puppy named Clarence that I have had since I was a child and named after my now deceased Grandfather:



I spy my favorite child hood toy, a bear named Bubbles, who is sitting next to N's stuffed bear sheriff made with love by his "Mom-Mom":



I spy my son's beloved tiger that he called a "Lanoo" as an infant (His baby talk for lion):




I don't want to sound cavalier or as if I am proud of these collections. I'm not. I will admit that I'm not as bothered by my excess as you might be, but I do acknowledge that it's a problem.

I don't know how ready I am to actually get rid of some of it (or all of it). The socks might seem to be the most obvious choice. But as I stare at the row of unmatched socks I can only think, "Wait. Didn't I see that mate under a bed somewhere?" and then back into the sock bag it goes.


I have so many more 'collections' that it would need a separate blog post to list them all. Maybe another day.

sigh...

On and on it goes.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Unintentionally collecting,
Julie

overwhelmed

2 steps forward.

2 steps back...

I am struggling to maintain what I have done so far. The baby boy clothes all left the house. My areas that I have cleared, I am fighting to keep clear. But clutter keeps creeping back in.

Today, I sat discouraged as I realized EACH AREA has several things sitting in it that need to be taken care of. I was determined to tackle these things right away. But then I realized that I hadn't checked on the upstairs all day. The kids were up there playing away in already cluttered play area and bedrooms.

Exhausted from a busy and emotional weekend, I climbed the stairs and tried to tell myself that the hour and a half left before my husband got home would be a wonderfully productive end to my day.

I was greeted by chaos in toy land. I couldn't see my daughter's floor. She had pulled out every piece of clothing from her dresser drawers and they were laying all over. Every toy was dumped out and I stepped on dolls and My Little Pony's and play dishes as I plundered through it all in disbelief.

My son's room looked like a tornado had come through. Legos and transformers... All manner of small toys in their millions of pieces and parts were strewn across the carpet. The blankets ripped almost all the way off his bed. I couldn't open the door all the way and realized his pillows and some clothing were blocking my entrance.

On the verge of tears, I ordered a mass clean up.

They are struggling. Floundering, up there. Attempting to make order out of the chaos that is their living situation. Yes, chaos they created, but I take responsibility for the fact that my children are comfortable living like this, playing like this, without any thought to the mess and without the tools they need to clean up.

They don't clean properly. I have tried and tried to teach them. I have baskets for them on shelves for each toy. I made sure to get rid of old toys they have outgrown and thrown away broken toys. Each toy has a place. I have helped them so many times... more times than I can count. And it exhausts me each time. I can't put into words...

It makes my chest feel tight and I just swallow hard and try to not look like I'm on the verge of a break down. But I'm so overwhelmed that I had to walk away just now. They are upstairs. I doubt any progress has been made.

I had to come and just vent.
Thanks for listening... whoever you are.

Maybe I can make 2 steps forward tomorrow? There's always reason to hope.

Just in Case...

Had a great chat with a family member recently. I opened up about my hoarding and explained the process I am in with purging my home of the clutter and purging my head of wrong thinking about my stuff.

She asked what kind of stuff I hang onto. I answered her right away because I had already identified the two categories. "Sentimental" things... things that have sentimental value to me and therefore I assign emotional value to it and have trouble letting it go. And "Just in Case" things. Things that I believe I may need, or someone else may need one day.

The Just in Case is what is out of control more than anything else.

Confession time:
At last count, I have 72 socks that have lost their match. I keep them (for years? gulp.) in the hopes that their true match will one day find it's way back into our lives.

I have 1 1/2 bins of wrapping paper, bows, ribbons and gift bags. Just in case I should ever need them. The funny thing is that some of the gift bags, etc. that are in there I have had in my possession since the first year I was married.

I have over 20 purses. Just in case I should need that small silver glittery one the next time I go on a cruise, the small black one that matches a perfect black dress that doesn't fit me any more, and a brown leopard one with patent handle that will go perfect with brown patent peep toes that I have looked for at stores for over 2 years now. ...

I have the hard drive to a computer that died 3 years ago. The drive pretty much melted and the data on it couldn't be retrieved. I kept it though. My daughters baby pictures are on it. Things I had been working on were on that drive. Maybe one day technology will find a way to bring it back to life? Or I will have the $1000 it would take to send it to a computer hard drive hospital and have it re built.
Just in Case.

I have a suit case with the zipper broken on it.

I have clothes that are 2 sizes too small for me.

I have bins and boxes of hobbies I haven't picked up in years. Scrapbooking, piano books, etc.

I have 11 earrings that don't have their match.

I have 2 totes full of craft items from the 1990's.

I have boxes of magazines that have recipes and household tips that I thought I may need... one day. But thinking about it now, they are from the 1990's or earlier. Chances are they won't even apply to my life or my style by the time I finally go through them.

...

It's a "Just In Case" epidemic at my home.

But, "you never know", I think. "Someone might need this stuff one day."

I talk myself into keeping it. If I happen to be smart and throw it out, I keep thinking about that item in the trash. It keeps bugging me and doesn't stop until its gone with the garbage truck.

It is hard to let these things go. I can't explain why. I can't describe the feeling. I feel foolish just talking about it. There is fear behind it, this I know. There is a control that I don't want to give up. And more than that, there is the desire to meet a need. A need of my own, and also the needs of my family and friends. I just love coming the rescue with an item for someone. "Where in the world did you get that?" they ask.
"oh, I happened to hang onto it... Just in Case."