overwhelmed

2 steps forward.

2 steps back...

I am struggling to maintain what I have done so far. The baby boy clothes all left the house. My areas that I have cleared, I am fighting to keep clear. But clutter keeps creeping back in.

Today, I sat discouraged as I realized EACH AREA has several things sitting in it that need to be taken care of. I was determined to tackle these things right away. But then I realized that I hadn't checked on the upstairs all day. The kids were up there playing away in already cluttered play area and bedrooms.

Exhausted from a busy and emotional weekend, I climbed the stairs and tried to tell myself that the hour and a half left before my husband got home would be a wonderfully productive end to my day.

I was greeted by chaos in toy land. I couldn't see my daughter's floor. She had pulled out every piece of clothing from her dresser drawers and they were laying all over. Every toy was dumped out and I stepped on dolls and My Little Pony's and play dishes as I plundered through it all in disbelief.

My son's room looked like a tornado had come through. Legos and transformers... All manner of small toys in their millions of pieces and parts were strewn across the carpet. The blankets ripped almost all the way off his bed. I couldn't open the door all the way and realized his pillows and some clothing were blocking my entrance.

On the verge of tears, I ordered a mass clean up.

They are struggling. Floundering, up there. Attempting to make order out of the chaos that is their living situation. Yes, chaos they created, but I take responsibility for the fact that my children are comfortable living like this, playing like this, without any thought to the mess and without the tools they need to clean up.

They don't clean properly. I have tried and tried to teach them. I have baskets for them on shelves for each toy. I made sure to get rid of old toys they have outgrown and thrown away broken toys. Each toy has a place. I have helped them so many times... more times than I can count. And it exhausts me each time. I can't put into words...

It makes my chest feel tight and I just swallow hard and try to not look like I'm on the verge of a break down. But I'm so overwhelmed that I had to walk away just now. They are upstairs. I doubt any progress has been made.

I had to come and just vent.
Thanks for listening... whoever you are.

Maybe I can make 2 steps forward tomorrow? There's always reason to hope.